Book Launch

CHAPTER ONE:

A pile of ashes stood out among the dead bodies, tossed beside the leftovers as famished captives scavenged for anything edible. It grew more and more recognizable when I crouched over the devastated figures to make sense of the chaos. Then I saw it, each grain of sand sculpted flawlessly the shape of my dad’s arm stretching out to protect the child next to him from the corpses that had probably seemed to be falling from above. I rooted in one place, shocked as I tried to assume what had happened. My father had lunged towards the innocent child to shield him with his body weight upon the child’s front as a dome; that would explain his crushed spine. And then he held it a foot off the child’s abdomen so that the boy could manage to scramble out. Apparently, the rescue mission hadn’t worked as well as I thought my dad had been expecting.

"Dad…." I said quietly, afraid the soldier who I guessed had shot the child as he’d escaped would think I was his brother. Fury was launched into me as the tears scuttled their way down across my freckled cheek. It was my dad there who looked just the same as the broken skeletons he’d saved this child from, suffocating from the smell of the burnt limbs. I’d always known my dad would never change. Altruism had been a characteristic of him as he would have jeopardized everything he had possession of for whom in danger.

The panic didn’t last long as I could not hope for a better ending. I brought myself into a sitting position, waiting while the remnants of my father clustered around me. My nous refused to confirm his demise though these views evidenced it. Reluctantly, I let the doubt suck in as his incinerated skin brushed against mine before dispersing away. "Goodbye dad, I won’t be far…" I choked out the last words in the same level of tone as I had before. I hadn’t spent a lot of time with my father; I’d thought it wasn’t something I couldn’t do later, or do at all in that case. I slumped on the ground, acquiescing with my dad’s disappearance as memories started flourishing in my head. As impossible as it might sound, I didn’t know if I was capable enough to relinquish his life as doing that would require me to forget him. I looked up to watch the ashes that had once been my father wafting where they were blown, circulating in the air. With a single blowing sound, everything went obscurely blurry. It squalled away the descending leaves as they rustled against each other, moving anything that stumbled in the way, and then flying unresistingly in the same direction, unleashing the freedom within. My eyes followed the whirling movement of the sand as I suddenly lurched to my feet.

"Wait!" I ordered, scudding across the field as if trying to catch something. It didn’t slow and I knew it would be stupid to force it to. As I trudged to a stop, exhaling heavily in the process, I noticed the attention I didn’t want to have from this soldier focused on me. The humidity increased as the sweat drops glittered off my skin, skidding along the cheekbone down my jaw and then branching off into a couple of paths as they landed on my neck. I froze dead, the blood rushed through my veins so fast that my skin started discoloring. My forehead creased as I shook any thought off my head, eyes wrinkled up. This time I was ready, preparing myself to the bullet that was going to plunge into my body and amputate the pain that felt like an ordinary rib now. Once again, there wasn’t much time, one eternal minute to be exact. Seconds ticked by. I counted them off, surprised on how well my last words matched this scene. The silhouette of this soldier emerged as I squinted into the mist that was spreading all over the field. A new unfamiliar wave of fear washed through me, crumbling my bones apart before I could pull myself together to face the death that was greeting me. I didn’t consider it "killing"; I thought euthanasia would be the right definition to what it was as I knew it’d be a matter of time for me to reunion with my father. Instinctively, I collapsed on my left knee, genuflecting as if to worship him as his mighty figure ascended.

"Get up kid" A cold voice commanded as the hair on the back of my neck bristled, sending an edge to the horror that shivered down my spine, squashing the ankles to the ground. I hesitated, for a reason I felt more protected with me stooping this way. My bones got pulverized from being bent that long. It hurt, but I didn’t complain; too frightened to make a sudden movement. I tried to calm the systems down as I curled up into a ball, glimpsing at him.
"I told you to get up!" He yelled before I could notice him composing his dark features. His brows furrowed as his narrow pea eyes pointed at me like a blade pinching a soft bulge. I breathed hastily in and out, stretching one leg out and then the other, thinking too hard while doing so.
"You want me to force you stand up? Move it!" It was easier to recognize him this time. The voice, the glare, the scent, it was him. The nightmare that had taken my dad’s dreams, now coming to take mine.

Well, I’m not really much into army books and stuff but this didnt sound half bad.. =)

Answer mine??

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100814221228AAyLeK4&r=w

Rain splattered Lolita Van Allen’s skunk-striped hair and soaked the silk of her nightgown. She had absolutely no idea where she was. There was gray everywhere: the sky, the field, the ocean in the distance. It all seemed so familiar- like a dream she was trying to remember.
Maybe this is a dream, she thought
Through the mist a line of black converged. It as only when a loud gasp came from beside her did she realize she wasn’t alone. Victor Winsted stood beside her in his pajamas, as well: boxers. She almost giggled, but the line of black was still descending and she and Victor where not alone as they usually where in the dream. A boy with glossy blue eyes, pale skin, and a shag of dull red hair, it almost looked like someone had sprinkled powdered sugar into red velvet cake mix.
But right now, the strange boy wasn’t her most important concern, but the line was.
Their cloaks swirled against the ground and their red, beady eyes glared out of white faces. Something like an aura of death hung around them, reaching Lolita and company long before the line.
The center man smiled and revealed a pair of shiny, white fangs.
“Hello, Lolita- Victor,” he said in a voice like a snake slithering against stone, “And my dearest Angel, we’ve been waiting for you so very long.”

Lolita shot up and immediately smacked her head on the top of her coffin. She cursed and shoved the pine out of the way- stupid coffin. Maybe Victor was on to something, sleeping in a bed instead of a coffin.
She sighed and stood, thinking already of first day of school clothes, pushing the strange nightmare out of her head. She rushed to her closet and grabbed a tank top, a shredded up long-sleeved t-shirt, a pair of fishnets, and a heavily abused pair of Levi’s. Her combat boots where the last thing to go on, right after her little clip in bows and some heavy black eyeliner and red lipstick. She was now officially ready to leave her room.
She burst out of her small bedroom and stomped down the small, Hello Kitty back-pack in hand. After nearly busting down Victors door, she ran across the room and launched herself into a leap.
“Time to wake up!” she yelled and did a perfect swan-dive into his sheets. She rolled onto her back and sat up and ran her fingers over her multi-colored hair, making sure she hadn’t messed it up. Victor was just waking up, blinking his navy blue eyes heavily.
Lolita was pleasantly surprised to find him shirtless. She smiled and hopped over to him, throwing a leg across his torso and slapping his cheek gently.
“Get up, come on, schools, let’s go!” she held his face in her hands as he began to truly wake-up.
“Good morning, Lolita,” he smiled at her, “Would you mind getting off so I can get dressed?”
“If you insist,” she sighed and rolled off of him, hopping across the room, “I’ll be downstairs.”
She grabbed her tiny backpack on the way out, ran to the end of the hall and swung down the fireman’s pole at the end. One of the best parts of living in an old firehouse: the lack of stairs.
“Good morning, Lolita,” James said as she hopped into the kitchen, “You’re in a good mood today.”
“Well, I’m about to go wreak havoc on innocent townspeople,” she smiled, “How could I not be in a good mood?”
“Very funny,” Victor pushed into the kitchen, “I don’t want anything to do with your little escapades this year.”
Lolita sat on the counter beside where Victor was opening the fridge, searching, no doubt, for a bottle of blood.
“See your problem is, Victor- thank you-” she added as he handed her a skinny silver bottle, “Is that you don’t see the fun in high school. All you see is math and science. I see it from an artist’s point of view. You look at it from the mind of an eternally boring scholar!”
She grabbed his head and kissed the top of it.
“Be more fun this year, please?” she begged.
“I’ll try,” Victor said and rolled his eyes.
Lolita smiled and kissed his cheek again. They sat in silence for a moment as they both sipped.
“Oh, shoot!” Lolita sprang up, “We’re going to be late! Please, let me take the bike, please?!”
Victor and James both made a face. They didn’t like me riding my vintage orange Harley, mostly Victor thought it was dangerous and I was never to be put in danger in his book.
I made a pouty face.
“Fine,” he took a huge swig out of his bottle, “But I’m driving.”
I clapped my hands, happy for an excuse to ride the Harley anywhere! So far, the only thing wrong about today was the redheaded boy from the dream. But who cared about him? Lolita doubted he was that important.

you switch from third person to first person towards the end.
To me it’s just another teen vampire story. I’m not really interested in such things, but I’d have to know more about the story line to judge whether it’s a good idea for a book. This section doesn’t really develop any of the plot.

Okay, so I am writing a sort of short-ish story. More for practice and experimentation than anything else, but recently I have become completely involved in it, and in this particular chapter I was writing an action scene. Now, normally this would not have been too much of an issue, but I am going to have to write two different characters fighting two different beasts at once. This is proving to be difficult for me, and I’m not so sure I can pull it off believably. Does this next excerpt from my book sound too forced? Does it sound incredibly far fetched? Because I’m starting to think it may.
Well, here goes nothing:

Lawrance launched himself at one of the beasts, a wild yell erupting from deep in his chest. For a moment the animal seemed stunned, but it quickly recovered. As Lawrance stood before it–ready to spring should he have to–the animal circled, letting out a short barks and snarls as it snapped at him.
Donnelly and Ryan were completely transfixed on the impending fight until the second creature leapt forward, nearly knocking Ryan off his feet. Donnelly whipped his knife expertly across the back of the monster, stabbing it in at the base of the creature’s tail; the only portion he could accurately reach.
Ryan was pushed back as the fight between Donnelly and the new beast broke out. Donnelly shouted angrily at the creature, trying to intimidate it into backing off. It would not, instead leaping forward, attempting to bring Donnelly down with a blow from it’s massive paw.
It missed.
Ryan caught sight of Lawrance tumbling out of his eye line with the other beast atop him, and at the same time he heard a muffled shout before they completely vanished from his view.
Lawrance cut the beast’s underbelly and quickly flipped the cutlass around in his grip, bringing it crashing down into the hide of the animal’s hind leg. It snarled furiously and was back on it’s feet before Lawrance had a chance to hit again. It circled him, the wound in it’s leg bleeding heavily. Gore smeared across a rock as it passed by, and immediately the unpredictable monster attacked again.

Donnelly’s knife met it’s target with expert precision. The blade sunk into the flesh of the howling animal and the common red substance flew every which way as he ripped it out. The beast was ready to back off, but Donnelly wouldn’t accept a surrender. He flung his knife into the middle eye of the creature as it backed away. The entire length of the blade went through, and Donnelly was certain he had finished it. The creature fell to the ground, dead.

Meanwhile, Lawrance’s cutlass had been lodged into the first animal’s flank, and from that point on he had done nothing but avoid the monster‘s colossal jaws. It vaulted towards him, it’s mouth open and directed for his throat; at the last moment he bent low and the brute flew over him. As it did so, he grabbed hold of the cutlass lodged in it’s side and ripped a deep trench through half of it’s body. One last groan escaped it’s maw before it staggered forward and into the trees, disappearing from his view.
—–

Okay, so I know that sounds horribly cliche, but if you knew the characters, it would all make more sense, it’s actually pretty comical at the end. Anyway, I think this sounds like a four year old wrote it and really doesn’t make sense at all.
Give me your opinions, please! Don’t be afraid to be mean, I need it.

I tend to agree with "old lady" that you might improve the scene by showing rather then telling the reader what is happening. However, I did not find it difficult to follow the action or keep the characters straight. You seem to be on the right track and should worry less about if it is working–it is–and work more on involving the reader in the action. Go for it.

So here’s as much as I can post of my book (what i have so far) and I like it, only I can’t think of a title. Read it and tell me any title ideas u may have: I shared a room with three girls. Three preppy, snooty, sixteen year old girls. I, on the other hand, am fifteen, have rarely been seen with my hair in anything but two low braids, and still haven’t worn makeup…ever. Can you imagine a worse situation?
So here’s the rundown of my giant family. There’s Mom, Dad, Max, Luke, Blake, Nick, Lizzie, Claire, Alice, and me: Sarah. Max’s 17 and hates me. Blake’s 16 and barely knows me. Luke’s 12 and is going through this weird gothic faze. Nick’s my age, and my twin. And of course, as I mentioned earlier, Lizzie, Claire, and Alice are sixteen. Being the oldest children in our family and triplets nonetheless seemed to give them the impression that they ruled the house. And technically…they did.
“Sarah!”Lizzie yelled, launching a flipflop at my head from across the room,“Nose out of the book!”
I slammed the thin red paperback shut and threw it on my desk. “What do you want?”
She looked up at me, screwed the cap back on her mascara, and smiled sweetly. “You know if you read too much your eyes won’t look as wide. It really messes up your face you know.”
“I literally have no idea what you just said,”I glared, and swung my legs off my bed before getting up and walking across the room towards the hall.
“Going anywhere?” Claire said, coming out of the bathroom and blocking my path to the door.
“Yeah,” I replied, and shoved past her and out into the hallway before going down a flight of steps and arriving at the door to Nick’s room.
Now I’m not sure how he ended up with his own room, but I’m sure Mom has some reason.
“Nick!!” I yelled, rapping sharply on the door, “I’m coming in!”
The door swung open and he stood in the doorway, leaning against its frame.
“What’s up?”he asked casualy, giving his shaggy blond hair a toss and letting me in.
“I’m going to kill my sisters,” I told him, taking a seat on the bed. It was large and wooden, with a thick blue duvet and fluffy white pillows. Max, Luke, and Blake had really taken to calling it the“Chick Bed”.
“Why?” he asked, going over to that weird home gym thing that people hang on their doors and lifting himself up and down.
“Um…Because they’re airheads, they have no lives, and they hate me,” I replied, sucking on the end of my braid.
“Oh really,” Nick failed to console me, jumping off the thingy and sitting down against the door.
“Yes really!” I said loudly, dropping the braid from my mouth.
He said nothing, just flexed his muscles.
“Stop doing that,” I told him.
“Doing what?” he asked.
“That thing with your muscles! It’s gross!”
“Why??”
“Um….let’s think….maybe because I’m your sister and that’s the highly seductive motion I see you using all the time with Allie!”
Allie was his girlfriend, and she was beautiful. She had long, silky brown hair and the brightest blue eyes you’ve ever seen. She was like a nicer Claire, Lizzie, or Alice.
Nick folded his arms, “Mmm…true.”
Alice swung the door open suddenly, hitting Nick in the back.
He swore loudly and hopped up.
“God Alice! What was that about?!?!” he yelled at her, rubbing his shoulders.
“Sorry,”Alice said quickly, crossing the room and picking me up, “But I need Sarah.”
Alice was a cheerleader. Actually, she was cheer captain, which made her an object of wisdom for Lizzie and Claire. But point being she’s pretty darn ripped under all that silk and cash-me-your or something like that that she was always talking about.
“AAAAHHH!” I screamed, kicking her as she dragged me along, “PUT ME DOWN!!!!!”
Well guess what. She didn’t. She dragged me all the way back to our room, where the others were waiting.
She plopped me down on my bed.
“Okay,” I said, my throat hoarse from screaming at Alice, “What do you want from me?”
Lizzie propped my chin up with one finger and said innocently, “Why so bitter? We’re just giving you something of a makeover!”
I rolled my eyes. “Wowwww…you guys are stupider than I thought.”
“Yeah,” added Claire, “Those braids really have you in a rut.”
“And you really need contacts, too,”chimed in Alice.
“Why?” I asked, “I can see just fine!”
“Not for seeing, stupid,” Alice reprimanded me, whacking me acros the head, “Remember? Your eyes are gray.”
I liked my eyes, personally. I mean, I’m not the most beautiful girl in the world, but I do pretty well. My shiny blond hair is long and smooth, and when they’re tucked out from under my pretty blue headband they look really nice! My eyes are kind of a sparkly gray…like…silverish. And for not wearing anyy mascara my eyelashes are really long! Oh crap…I’m sounding like one of them.
The door burst open and Nick stood in the door way, surveying the scene.
“Ladies,” he saluted us casually.
“What do
ok so it cut off early so heres the next part right from where it stopped: you want Nick?”Lizzie asked, “Say it fast or don’t say it all. We’re short on time and giving Sarah a makeover.”
“I’m gonna need Sarah,” he said, glancing at me.
I bowed down to him, my hands clasped in prayer.
“Well you can’t have her,” Alice corrected him, trying to push him out the door.
He grabbed her wrist and was about to do one of those weird karate things when she grinned at him.
“You can’t hurt a girl!” she smiled, thinking she had won.
“What are you talking about?” he asked, “You’re my sister, remember? It’s my job to hurt you.”
Nick released her sharply, and crossed to my bed before slinging my over his shoulder.
“I can walk!!!” I reminded him.
“True,” he conceded, “But it’s funner this way!”
“More fun,” I corrected him.
“Nose out of the books grammer girl,” he grinned, but set me down and I crossed the hall to his room.
“Where ya going?” he asked.
“Your room. Where are you going?”
“I’m not going a
it did it again so imm just gonna keep adding more here’s the next part: nywhere,” he told me, “We’re going outside.”
When we were outside, sitting on the lawn and basking in the warm summer sun, I remembered.
“Holy crap!” I yelled, jumping up.
“What?!?!” he asked, startled.
“I’m meeting Conrad at the movies in an hour and I completely forgot!!!” I screamed at him.
“Are you planning on….combing your hair or something?” he asked me.
“Um duh!!!” I replied, running inside.
“Make sure to get the bugs out from behind your ears!” he reminded me jokingly as I ran up to my room.
Luckily, the other three had left the area, and I was free to half-prep (their name for what I do when I want to look at all nice) in peace.
I washed and brushed my hair, changed into a pair of white jean brermuda shorts, a blue tanktop, and Lizzie’s hip length, shiny white rain coat with the four buttons down the top, the high collar and the waist band. I put new blue ribbons in my braids and slipped on a pair
of blue rain boots. No makeup, no high heels….Lizzie would be ashamed of me.
I stomped downstairs.
“Mom!!” I yelled.
No answer.
“MOM!” I yelled again. I needed her to drive me to the movies!
Alice came around the corner, smiling widely.
“Mom’s not home,” she told me silkily.
“Oh come on!!!” I yelled angrily.
“But..I can drive,” she grinned.
I shrank.
“Really, Alice?!!”I asked her, “You’d drive me?”
“Sure I’d drive you!” she smiled, “All I’d need is a little teensy favor.”
I whacked my head against the wall, “Never mind! I’ll ask Blake.”
I stomped up the stairs and threw open the door to Max, Luke, and Blake’s room.
“Hey little sis,” Blake said from where he sat on the bed with his guitar.
Luke was painting his nails black from the desk in the corner and Max was wrapping a tape measurer around his muscles from the top bunk of the bed he shared with Blake.
Boys in my family are so weird.
“My name’s Sarah,” I reminded him, “And I need you to drive me to the movies.”
“Ask Mom,” he tol
d me.
“She’s at the store,” I replied.
“Ask Dad,”he suggested.
“He’s at a meeting.”
“Ugh,” he said, “Fine.”
He got up, pulled on an old blue shirt and sandals, grabbed his keys off the desk, and followed me down to the car.
Max made a loud fart noise as I left.
“Shut up!” I yelled at him, but got into the car with Blake anyways.

I met Conrad at the door to the theatre, and we kissed briefly before heading inside. He’s the hottest guy you’ve ever met, with sandy blond hair that falls to his cheek bones and soft brown eyes. Oh, and if that’s not enough…he’s nice!
We held hands through the movie, which turned out to be a really stupid thing to do.
A loud giggle echoed from the row behind us. Now, since we were at the movies this would generally be normal, except for the fact that the hero of the movie had just died.
I turned around, and squinted into the dark. I couldn’t see anything.
Squeaky kissing noises came through the blackness, and the screen flashes white long enough for
me to see the derogatory faces of my three sisters, grinning from their seats.
“OH MY GOD!!!” I screamed, standing up and shaking my fist, “WHY THE HONKY ARE YOU THREE HERE?!?!?!?!”
I heard someone call the theatre assistant, but I didn’t care.
“GET OUT OF HERE!!!!!! I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU SHOWED UP HERE!!!!”
I felt a hand on my arm.
“Dude,” the assitant said, taking my by the arm, “I think you need to leave the movie.”
I glared at him. “Fine! Fine! Kick me out! I don’t care!!!”
He led me out onto the sidewalk, and I slumped on the curb.
“Sorry,” he said, sitting down beside me, “But if I ignore a customer again because the person acting up is hot my boss says I’m fired.”
I looked up and noticed he was about my age.
On his tacky movie assitant uniform was a plasticy white badge with the words “Movie Assitant: Alec” printed in peeling black letters.
“It’s okay,” I sighed, “But I think I just lost my boyfriend for that.”
“That was your boyfriend?” he asked, remembering the guy sitting
next to me.
I nodded. “But he probably thinks I’m crazy right now, so don’t get that too set in your head.”
Alec laughed, and it was a nice laugh. Like bells only more…masculen.
“And who were you screaming at?” he asked, grinning.
“My sisters,” I said bitterly, “Only don’t tell anyone that ’cause generally I like to pretend we’re not related.”
He laughed again. “Do you have a ride home?”
“No,” I replied, “But I can call for one.”
I reached into my back pocket before remembering that it was still at home on the bathroom counter.
“Here,” Alec smiled, handing me his phone from his back pocket, “You can use mine.”
I grinned, thanked him, and dialed in Blake’s cellphone number.
“Yo?” Blake picked up, and I could hear loud music in the background.
“Where are you?” I asked before I could say anything else.
“At Chanelle’s house,” he replied, and I grimaced at the demon’s name. Chanelle was a 17 year old menace, obsessed with short shorts and trashyness. She was the spitting image of Beyo
nce and had a worse reputation in the community than the Adolf Hitler himself. She was knee deep in Jack Daniel and up to her ears in meth.
“You’re at her house?” I asked before I could stop myself.
“Yeah. What do you want and who is this?”
“It’s Sarah and I need a ride home!”I replied angrily.
“Can’t give you one,” he told me, “Call Max.”
“But Max hates me!”I scoffed before I realized he had hung up.
So, despite my problems with Max, I dialed his number in.
“Hey Max,” I said when he had picked up, “It’s Sarah and I need a ride home.”
“No,” he said, and hung up.
I flipped the phone shut and handed it to Alec.
“No luck?” he asked.
“Nope, but thanks anyways.”
“How are you going to get home?” he said.
“I’ll walk, I s’pose.”
“No way,” He told me, “I’ll drive you.”
I was kind of nervous about this, but for some weird reason I trusted him, so we climbed into the obnoxious company car, and he drove me home.
“Thank you so much,” I said gratefuly, climbing out of the car.
“No prob,” he rep
lied, and grabbed a napkin and pen before scribbling some numbers down and handing it to me.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“Call me,” he said, and drove off.

I ran up to the door, and grabbed the key from under the mat. I clicked it into the key hole and ran inside.
Luke was on the couch trying to spike his hair with this weird gel, and the loud booms of Max’s bass guitar shook the house.
Mom stood at the marble counter chopping carrots on a large cutting board.
“Hey honey,” she said, setting down the knife and coming to give me a hug.
“Hey Mom,” I said, hugging her back before going up to my room.
The others hadn’t gotten home yet, and that gave me time to get Nick to help me trash their room.
“What’s up?” Nick asked when I opened the door.
I explained the situation and he grinned before grabbing the bottle of guitar polish off his dresser.
“What’s that gonna do?” I asked him.
“It stains things blueish.”
“Okkkkk??”I asked.
“Just stay in here and I’ll be back in ten minutes.”

When he was
done, I returned for my room and listened to my iPod while waiting for my sisters to come home.
My bed was large and fluffy, with a thin pink knit blanket across the top, a white duvet folded at the bottom, and white pillows almost identical to Nick’s. There were four beds like this, and each of us got one alone with a white wood end table on one side and a matching dresser on the other. There were a couple desks with laptops, pens, and desk stuff lined against the opposite wall. My desk had a thin Macbook, about twenty books, an old apple juice container, a blue piggy bank, a pair of pink sneakers, a stack of laundry I hadn’t put away yet, and a couple of pictures push pinned to the bulletin board. The other desks had fluffy pinks things that resembled feather boas, and no books at all. There were two bathrooms, and I was forced to share with Lizzie. Under my bed were plastic containers filled with stuffed animals, more books, and the socks that didn’t fit in my dresser drawer. On my
end table was an old coffee mug, the thin red paperback book, a desk lamp with one of those things that let you twist it in different directions, and a picture of me and Nick when we were born. In the first drawer of the end table was my baby stuff, and in the bottom drawer was my saxephone stuff. Lesson books, notebooks, polisher, and all sorts of stuff. The saxephone itself sat on the top of my dresser, right above the shirts drawer, which was right above the pants drawer, which was right above the socks drawer, which was right above the skirts/magazine’s drawer. This drawer was rarely used. On my walls were large posters of the Beatles, Charlie Parker, and people like that. Partially ’cause they’re ledgends, and partially ’cause nothing bugs LAC (Lizzie, Alice, Claire) than lame posters.
The door swung open, and they came through giggling. I grabbed my book and ran out of the room and down into the living room.
I plopped down on the couch next to Luke.
He was watching Twilight. I
decided it was between saying something really rude and leaving, so I got up, ran into my room, grabbed my cell without saying a thing, and ran out and down the to basement. In Massechutes they have these things called glass houses, and ours is one of them. Most all the walls are glass with large curtains that can be pulled open or shut, and even the closets are made of them. It’s pretty cool unless you have to go and the curtains won’t stay shut. The only room that isn’t is the basement, and because us kids have spent most all of our lives in our (what we call because so much sun comes through the walls) “sunshine house”we generally avoid the basement (because of its dark nature) unless we have something really private to do.
I grabbed the napkin Alec gave me out of my back pocket and dialed it.
oh and ill email the winner when i decide which one im gonna use

1) Chaos
2) Everything but Sugar and Spice
3) Sugar and Spice and Nothing Very Nice

Hey I’m writing a book now with a few of my friends and we plan on launching our company soon. When the book is published we intend on it being an 500 page fantasy novel and we have plans for it to go all the way to 10. Would it be smart movie wise to make it an animated movie that is totally 100% based from the book so we wont have Harry Potter?

I think you should go 100% based on the book, because some people get frustrated when movies based on books don’t have some scenes, or the scenes are changed up. Hope this helps, and good luck~.

If you didn’t read the first question it’s on my profile this is after the introduction now let the action begin.

The sweat was pouring down my face, so much could go wrong I knew the consequences of stealing…me of all people would know I thought smirking. I skeptically opened the huge white pear doors, the marble floors clanked as my light footsteps fell upon it. That’s when I saw it, it cast a faint glow around the room. The prized pearl of the Water Kingdom, the only way for an outsider of the nation to navigate the Iceandic Sea and now it was mine. I stopped abruptly….where were the protectors surely they would have someone guarding this, if the pearl fell into the wrong hands someone could launch a naval attack on the poor Water Kingdom. During my evil planning a lone frail protector stepped in front of me, the only thing in my way of the pearl was a man not even fit to guard the doors. I leapt forward, a spark in the dark, the poor fellow didn’t have time to get into a defensive stance. I hastily grabbed the pear and hid it in my robes. I stepped into a column of flames. No need to stick around why get cocky?
Should be pearl doors lol not pear

I enjoy your description. I saw a few grammar errors but that can be easily fixed.

Besides pear being ‘pearl’ which you already caught, I noticed this sentence:
"That’s when I saw it, it cast a faint glow around the room."

I feel it would flow better written as:
"That’s when I saw it, casting a faint glow around the room."

I also believe you mean "icelandic" sea instead of Iceandic.

This piece:
"No need to stick around why get cocky?"
I think it should be two separate sentences.
"No need to stick around. Why get cocky?"
OR you can combine them:
"No need to stick around so why get cocky?"

Sorry. I hate making corrections to people’s work. I feel snotty when I find something wrong.

Hope this helped and I enjoy the picture you paint for us.

If you didn’t read the first question it’s on my profile this is after the introduction now let the action begin. And the people told me more action so here

The sweat was pouring down my face, so much could go wrong I knew the consequences of stealing…me of all people would know I thought smirking. I skeptically opened the huge white pear doors, the marble floors clanked as my light footsteps fell upon it. That’s when I saw it, it cast a faint glow around the room. The prized pearl of the Water Kingdom, the only way for an outsider of the nation to navigate the Iceandic Sea and now it was mine. I stopped abruptly….where were the protectors surely they would have someone guarding this, if the pearl fell into the wrong hands someone could launch a naval attack on the poor Water Kingdom. During my evil planning a lone frail protector stepped in front of me, the only thing in my way of the pearl was a man not even fit to guard the doors. I leapt forward, a spark in the dark, the poor fellow didn’t have time to get into a defensive stance. I hastily grabbed the pear and hid it in my robes. I stepped into a column of flames. No need to stick around why get cocky?
I always have sucked with commas…I’m 13 btw,

Well there are two grammar mistakes that I have noticed; needing a comma here; ‘me of all people would know I thought, smirking.’
And,
‘No need to stick around, why get cocky?’ Just a few simple comers. I haven’t read your introduction
but I think that this paragraph is at a professional level because you are describing the area, writing
about his or her thoughts and you are using casual sentences like, ‘me of all people would know’.
It’s very good

1
The Devil Committee

Since the human race begun the monsters and demons were always were always standing over them in power. The humans and the monsters evolved in time together getting themselves a larger grasp at technologies and sciences, but eventually the humans begun getting so much potential that they out powered the monsters.
When this begun, all the monsters decided to unite during the winter solstice and form a committee, the Devil’s Committee. In it they had to find a way to be disguised and hidden form the human race.
The Devil’s Council decided to create something called the Shadows. The Shadows are invisible beings that turn monsters around humans imperceptible to them, either by disguising the monsters or by making them invisible.
To their disadvantage, to maintain the power of the Shadows up, they would need to stop attacking regular humans. Defense was allowed but if they ever tried to launch a blow at a human they would go right through and will be abandoned by the Shadows forever.
Throughout time, some monsters would fall in love with human mortals and would have children with them. These children had special properties. They had all the powers from their monster side and have the ability to turn into a human form, but the largest advantage to them was the fact that they did not need the Shadows to survive, so they could attack humans and monsters alike with no danger of punishment. These special half human, half beasts were called semi-monsters.
Semi-monsters would look human for the first eighteen years of their lives with no powers, but with some characteristical traits, such as a semi-vampire would have no ability to transform into a bat before the age of eighteen but would throw up if he ate anything with garlic in it, or a semi-ghost would not be able to go through walls before eighteen, but would hate water and salt.
When a semi-monster turns eighteen he becomes mature and gets his powers. While he becomes mature he will become unpredictable and will follow his instincts at all costs. A half-blood vampire would attack a semi-werewolf at all costs while becoming mature until the phase is over and he comes back to logic.
The semi-monsters were becoming a bit too powerful and the monsters were afraid that they would be over-run again by them. The Devil Committee then decided to kill all newly born semi-monsters before they became supernaturally gifted.
Some monsters managed to save their offspring from sacrifice and gave them away to orphanages until the situation would settle down. Unfortunately it didn’t.
The Devil Committee noticed that it would be no use to try and kill all the semi-monsters, so instead of destroying, they prevented. No monster was allowed human contact. Disobeyers would be caught and killed.

Please tell me what you think I need to do to improve
Sorry for the lack of paragraphs! You cant do them in Yahoo

Now, if this is a plot summary, okay, but if it’s the actual first chapter it doesn’t grip the reader with any kind of intensity.

You need to decide where to start this, where would the most power lie in revealing some small portion of this to the reader. He isn’t looking for an information dump or a summary from a book jacket, he’s looking to be led by the hand through a twisted tale.

My objection to monster tales is that they are unoriginal. Half-vampires? Read Darren Shan’s Cirque du Freak series. He actually did a pretty good job of making you care about the characters, but here, the half-vampire thing has been done already and people know it.

Gods having children with mortals? This is from Greek Mythology and even the Bible (angels.) Also, recently we have The Lightning Thief — go see the movie, or read the book, and you’ll see there’s another one that’s already been done.

Half of the joy of writing is berating yoursef over details, "This has been done," "That could never happen," "My reader will throw up if I add this sappy love scene." It takes almost as long to perfectly construct an original, wonderful plot as it does to write it out.

Take your reader by the hand as you would a small child in a Fun House, and lead him from one frightening scene to another, from a confusion to a solution to a new problem, to a worse problem, to a situation the hero should not be able to get out of.
You need that reader to close the book at the end and say, "Wow! What a ride!"

Hi, I just started writing a book, because I was feeling in the zone, and I wondered what you all think to it. These are the first 2 and a bit chapters. It’s not too much for you to read I don’t think so just give it a shot and let me know what you think So here we go.

One: The Randomly Factual Preface

OK, so, seventeen isn’t exactly old, or mature, or whatever you might want to call it, but at seventeen I sure know some stuff. For example: how to make an edible meal out of a Kit Kat, jacket potatoes and skimmed milk; the capital cities of 143 of the 189-195 countries in the world (the number is widely debated); and what the difference between a frog and a toad is-that one comes in handy.
But, joking aside, I maintain that seventeen years of life experience is plenty enough for somebody to get a good grasp on basic survival. I mean, I can iron, that’s good right? Well, better than most people my age, that’s for sure.
That being said, I lead a busy life, like really busy. Between all the responsibilities I have, I find there is little time left for me; and I need Hayley time……badly.
Before I launch into the story that is my life, I’m going to give you ten quick facts about me.

1) My name is Hayley Pemberton. Simple.
2) I, as you should already know if you’ve been paying attention, am seventeen years of age.
3) I live with my mother, father, and younger sister Madeline.
4) I have somewhat developed an obsession with the phenomenon that is Google.
5) I love random facts. Like, seriously, if they were food, I could live off them.
6) I also like asking a lot of random questions. My current personal favourite? “What is your favourite kind of fence?”
7) Until recently I had only ever had five boyfriends. That doesn’t sound too bad, but they were all while I was between the ages of five and eleven.
I play the guitar. Very badly. No I will not demonstrate.
9) I full on adore documentaries. My favourite topics being nature and medicine.
10) Finally, and most randomly, I have a peanut allergy. A severe one. Not much fun for me.

So now you know all there is to know. Let’s get underway.

Two: First Thing

I left the house at about seventeen minutes to eight on Monday morning, and made my way to college. It‘s about five miles away, so I have to catch the bus which takes forever because of the frequent stops, and today I had to do it all alone because I didn’t know anybody else who would catch the bus to my new school.
I was heading for my first day at Burton College in my native Yorkshire. Burton is rather upper class institution that prides itself on good exam results and a 97% pass rate. If I’m honest, I don’t think the structure portrays this very well. The building itself is rather foreboding, with a large square front made from mismatched shades of red brick, and large square windows that match the large square doors. To be honest the whole thing is rather large, and rather square; very little character if you ask me, but it is a good school and I am privileged to attend it.
This was my very first day at Burton College, I had just left behind my high school and all the good memories I had there, ready for my fresh start. It was very competitive to get in on a scholarship like I did, with only twenty five of such places available, and I counted myself very lucky that two of my very best friends also got places-what are the chances?
I wandered over to the front steps where I had promised to meet them and waited. Leila was the first to arrive, her long, golden blonde, ringlets bouncing in the September breeze. “Morning” she said groggily. If anything it sounded more like a question than a statement. Leila never coped well with an early start.
“Morning” I replied “Excited?” I asked her. She knew immediately what I was asking about, we’d been planning this day for the last two years.
“More than you‘ll ever know” she answered and seemed to perk up a little at the thought of our plans finally coming to fruition.
Leila was quickly followed by Autumn, a gentle redhead who only stood at about five feet two, not that we were allowed to mention it, and after we had exchanged pleasantries, the first bell rang and we made our way inside.
I was the oldest of the three of us, and my birthday, the second of September, had been just three days before. Autumn and Leila were still sixteen and would be for the next two and five months respectively. I could now start driving lessons, they were jealous of this fact but to be frank I was absolutely petrified, letting me near any kind of machinery is a dangerous mistake, but Mum and Dad seem to be pushing the possibility of lessons.
Once we were inside the building, the sheer size of it really hit me. The staircase spanned both sides of the hall and joined at the top to provide a balcony effect that was, essentially, very impressive. I always did admire staircases.
The three of
Oh, it didn’t all post, it must have been too long. Haha. But I also wanted to say that it is aimed at teenagers and do you have any tips? For plot or character? Also, I’m going to include the peanut allergy again later and Hayley is going to fall for somebody who doesn’t love her back and I am toying with the idea of a teenage pregancy with Leila so I can show it from a friend’s point of view. Opinions? Would tht be too much?

Well, it’s got something (I laughed out loud at the five boyfriends, all between the ages of five and eleven). I don’t instantly hate her, and I like her inner voice. I also like the casually dropped bits of information about her friends instead of an infodump.

So I’m going to nitpick. This is what you wanted, right?

1) Tense. Pick one. This wanders randomly between past and present.

2) Plausibility. If it was that hard to get in, I hardly think they’d have been counting on it for two years.

3) Scene-setting. For the building, it’s great. I love the whole large and square thing. Now, why are your three characters the only people who have come to school that day? Where are the crowds of other students? For that matter, where are her parents saying "have a good day"?

4) Odd details at the wrong end of the scale. I know you said she’s into random, but telling us a school is somewhere in Yorkshire isn’t much use (and why would she think of it that way, when it’s only 5 miles from her home?). 97% pass rate at what? Basket-weaving? "About" seventeen minutes to eight?

1st its a really, really big book. Were talking around the size of "Gone With the Wind" (the full book)

2. the story goes like this:

Its like the end of a nuclear war. You start by reading about a warship and they are trying to find a safe place to live (since they cant stay on the boat forever) and they find an island. The island isn’t contaminated so they decide to live there. they plant food, build houses, and try to write important facts about history in a book (since the records have been destroyed in the war). Then they try to "reproduce" there are way more men than women. So they decide that the women will have houses to themselves and like one group of men to each woman, then the next day they would switch men and so on. So that they will have a better chance of getting pregnant.

Well the captain and the main woman cant participate so that they can be leaders ect. Everybody has to switch partners and pairing off is against the rules. Well it so happens that the captain and the main woman pair off. Then people start dieing. Sry im vague but its been a while. The boat still has 1 nuke left on it and they fight about weather or not to go somewhere and launch it or to leave it on the boat and have the possibility of blowing them up on accident.

Now a russian sub comes to the island, and instead of fighting they decide to be "friends" and help each other. but some of the people don’t like that, and some how the nuke is launched and Everyone has to leave. So they all get on the sub (since the boat is now radiated) and they continue doing the 1group of men to one woman. And they head ttowardsalaska. Well they get to alaska and get fuel and food ect, the women become pregnant (since the russian men wweren’texposed to radiation like the american men were. and the book ends about there.

Please please help me figure out this books name!
Yes!!! thank you soo much!! I read that book in 9th grade and I wanted so bad to read it again (now in college). I’ll be off to the book store to get the last ship!

Again thnx soo much

Maybe The Last Ship by William Brinkley?

http://www.amazon.com/Last-Ship-William-Brinkley/dp/0345359828

It’s 616 pages, so that part fits!